After a VERY delayed wait for genetic testing, we finally got our results back at 18 weeks and were so relieved to find out that our baby is low risk and that I’m not a suspected carrier for the tested diseases. Such great news!
And, with the genetic testing, we also found out that we’re having a…
…Boy!
*insert shock here*
For whatever reason, I had a feeling deep down it was a boy – but almost to the point where I think I was trying to do a little reverse psychology because I really wanted a girl. Like, REALLY wanted a girl. I’m an only child girl and envisioned the same for my future likely because, well – it’s all I know.
So when I found out it was a boy, my vision of what I had always imagined and known was turned upside down.
Thank goodness someone told me to peek at the results before revealing in front of family, because boy (no pun intended) did I need those 24 hours to process. And by process, I do unfortunately mean bawl my eyes out while driving around town with a backseat full of blue balloons. I hope no one I know saw me that day.
I don’t know what came over me, but I just instantly felt less connected to my body. Like I no longer had control or any say in what’s to come. Which, in part, is true! But also something I know with time I will see as a blessing. There is reassurance in knowing you will have exactly the baby you’re meant to have.
Gender disappointment is a real thing – and can be really hard to process. After reading more about it, it’s essentially a spiral of mourning the relationship you had imagined you might have had with a daughter (or son) – but the reality is, your hypothetical daughter/son may not have ended up anything like what your baby will grow up to be, even if he had been born the opposite gender. So in my case, the girly-girl daughter I’ve dreamed up in my mind could have turned out to be nothing of the sort and a total tomboy. Assuming having a daughter would guarantee a mini-me who had all the same interests as me isn’t real life. You never know what your child will be like, so dwelling on what “could have been” or dreaming up how you want them to be is, I have to keep reminding myself, not productive.
Plus, so much of what kids/people love doing isn’t restricted to any one gender lane when you stop and think about it (playing, loving the outdoors, being creative, enjoying cooking, playing sports, etc.). I think I had a lot of initial panicking because I know nothing about boys and fear I won’t have as much in common them. But I keep reminding myself of this: Your child – boy or girl – will fit in with you and have things in common with you because YOU are going to be raising them. Connection isn’t gender based. Quality time is quality time.
Thinking about it this way has offered me a lot of optimism about all the wonderful things I will get to share with my son over the years. And hearing people repeatedly tell me the relationship between a mother and son is so special and unlike anything else has gotten me more and more excited. (And all the times people mention that parenting a daughter is 10x harder than a son doesn’t hurt either…Who knows if that is really true, but it does cheer me up in the moment!)
They say boys love their moms, and I know I have a lot of joy ahead! 
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